


You're my power, my passion, my pain.

by Cold_Breeze



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Cameo of Minhyuk and Jooheon, Emotional Roller Coaster, Feelings Realization, Hyungwon is whipped from the very beginning, Jealousy?, Light angst but because Changkyun is his weird self, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:54:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21681301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cold_Breeze/pseuds/Cold_Breeze
Summary: Not until Hyungwon came dangerously close and took his hand and whispered “Stop hurting yourself” could he finally say hardly audible “I love you” that was always so burdensome to him, yet felt so light and right at that moment. He could feel his hand be released and another second Hyungwon squished it with a new force, Changkyun would look at Hyungwon but he was too ashamed. His tears filling his eyes and gashing out as if he never cried in his life before. He does cry out of occasional tiredness but this sensation was for sure new. Hyungwon held him close to his chest, whispering calming phrases, confessing his love in between. His voice was trembling. Changkyun cried even harder.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Im Changkyun | I.M, hyungkyun - Relationship
Kudos: 41





	You're my power, my passion, my pain.

_Changkyun’s been bored out of his mind, messing with his phone. He was trying hard to find something to watch. There is this pattern he hates about himself. He wastes too much time searching for movies, dramas, books. He gets exasperated and by the time he finds something decent he realizes he wasted too much time on it. He gets nervous, he forgets about the movie he wanted to watch altogether._

_Now he is looking at Hyungwon, who was asleep in the armchair opposite him just a while ago. He was positive he was asleep. It makes him nervous he is watching him. His soothing gaze burns his skin, his eyes bore in his soul. He wants to run away, but he stays._

_He will sound as nonchalant as ever, Hyungwon will never find out. He jerks his chin, a question mark written all over his face._

_Hyungwon says nothing, he blinks, picking on the skin around his left thumb._

_-“What’s wrong with you?” Changkyun asks, trying to be his casual self._

_Hyungwon has yet to utter the first word. Changkyun is getting impatient. Both of them are not the most talkative types but he knows he does it on purpose, he is messing with him. Changkyun lets the smallest groan of despair. Sometimes Hyungwon is too much. Sometimes every single member is too much. However, Hyungwon is someone who is hard to handle. It’s his own heart to blame. It was the one making Changkyun feel this way._

_Changkyun stands up and is about to leave the living room, only to turn around and take a look at the guy in the armchair, his dark eyes are still boring into his soul. He feels a tingly feeling that rushes through his veins like heat. He knows he isn’t sick, but Hyungwon is someone who can be both poison and antidote. He has been silent for the last couple of days. This silence is somewhat poisonous to him. He isn’t as mute to other members. It hurts his pride, no, cross that out, it hurts his feelings. Changkyun has long passed the stage of lying to himself. He is just tired. Way too tired._

_-“Changkyun-ah,” Hyungwon finally spoke for the first time, his sleepy yet raspy voice cutting the air like a knife. Changkyun switches his gaze, Hyungwon still looks like he knows not only the secrets his heart holds but the pins to all of his cards and passwords to all the social media. He swallows thickly._

_-“Yeah?” He finally manages while leaning against the door frame, arms crossed on his chest._

_-“What’s going on?” Hyungwon unfolds his crossed, ridiculously long legs as he somewhat reluctantly yet shyly approaches Changkyun in soft, barely audible steps. He stops maximum half a meter away, he appreciates Hyungwon knows what comfort zone is. It’s one of the endless patterns Changkyun came to realize they share. Nevertheless, it doesn’t make him any less nervous. He blames it on the time he wasted. The time that is forever gone and probably the chance to watch the movie he will never want to again. The momento is ruined, forever._

_Hyungwon watches the shorter guy giving daggers at his phone on the couch. Hyungwon patiently waits for the other guy to come to his senses. It’s not long after that Changkyun gasps, his eyes rather squeezing on Hyungwon’s._

_-“Sorry, what did you say?” Changkyun asked a bit dazed. He forgot about his heartbeat, the second wave hits him harder. He can hear Hyungwon’s breathing. It makes him feel all types of ways._

_-“I was wondering what’s going on,” Hyungwon said painfully._

_-What do you mean?_

_-“Do you not realize?” Changkyun could swear he can hear another note of pain in his voice._

_-“No?” Changkyun scrutinized Hyungwon’s face, he was searching for an answer in his eyes. “Ah,” he breathed out. Changkyun took a step back, almost falling down._

_Again, again this feeling was filling his lungs making it hard to breathe. A slight feeling of both nausea and his sinking heart hit him at once. He ran away without saying a word. However, Chankyun knew Hyungwon stayed there for a good minute, or maybe two. He was being cruel._

_The next moment Changkyun realizes there is something wrong it is too late – Hyungwon has been avoiding him for more than three days and it would be way too awkward and rude to go and ask him what’s wrong. Not after three days, sometimes he is an asshole._

_He did not realize himself that he was in his own lalaland this whole time – messing lyrics and dance moves. It started to get on Shownu’s nerves, he was forced out of his dreamland._

_The next time he knows, he tirelessly moves his jello legs to his room only to find Hyungwon plastered on Minhyuk’s bed, obviously dead asleep._

_-“Let him be, I’ll sleep in his bed tonight. He has been having a rough time,” Minhyuk whispers in his ear. Changkyun’s heart almost dropped to his feet._

_-“Don’t scare me like that,” he whispered holding his chest tight._

_-“Sorry,” there was no single hint Minhyuk felt any kind of remorse._

_-“I will get my pajamas, go to bed. Hyungwon won’t bother your sleep, don’t worry.” Minhyuk tapped on the younger’s shoulder while passing him by and fishing through his chaotic pile of clothes._

_“Like hell, he wouldn’t.” Changkyun cursed inside his mind._

_-“Why is he here?” Changkyun wondered while locking his eyes on Hyungwon._

_-“Something is troubling him. I have yet to figure out what. Usually, he is more talkative.” Minhyuk whispered without turning back._

_“Damn,” Changkyun thought to himself._

_-“Don’t worry, it’s nothing to be worried about. He is a big boy.” Minhyuk smiled almost too brightly for the time of the day. A second later he was gone, him and Hyungwon left. The air is suddenly too hot and stuffy. He heaves a sigh._

_He thinks there is something wrong with his heart, or mind, or both. Recently he is nothing but a ball of nerves and needles because the next thing he sees and hears almost gives him a heart attack._

_-“I’ll leave, don’t worry.” Hyungwon groans as he moves to his back, half-asleep. Changkyun knows how grumpy he can be. He also knows that he will probably fall asleep 20 seconds later._

_However, he doesn’t. Changkyun watched him desperately rubbing his eyes, he once tried to sit up but miserably failed._

_-“It’s okay, just sleep.” Changkyun could hear himself spit out. He never wanted Hyungwon to leave in the first place._

_The next thing Changkyun observes is Hyungwon tugging Minhyuk’s sheet over him, sighing audibly._

_Changkyun took an extremely cold shower. His body temperature started to alarm him these days. He climbed in his bed and snuggled in, a small piece of happiness flooding his body until he remembered why he wanted to take a cold shower in the first place._

_He wanted to crawl up the wall how loud his heartbeat was racing when Hyungwon whispered a moment later._

_-“Changkyun-ah,” was all but enough to make him a completely different yet frantic person._

_-“Yeah?” He breathed out in desperation._

_He could see a silhouette turn, facing him. Changkyun knew Hyungwon couldn’t see him. The night was dark, and all Changkyun could tell is only the shape of Hyungwon. But he knew. He knew Hyungwon was looking at him. He knew he was probably looking at him with this longing yet miserable look he has developed towards Changkyun. He knew it and that’s why he wishes he didn’t._

_-“I like you,” Hyungwon nearly inaudibly whispered._

_However, Changkyun heard. He would know what he said if Hyungwon only moved his lips. He would know._

_-“Yeah, I like you too, Hyung.” Is all that Changkyun could tell, trying to sound as nonchalantly as possible. He thought he started to sweat._

_-“ Changkyun-ah,” he hears again and Changkyun wants to buy the nearest ticket to the far far away land._

_“Changkyun-ah, you know that I like you more than just a friend.” Hyungwon muffled a murmur, his breath irregular. Changkyun wishes he could ease his pain._

_-“I am sorry,” is all that Changkyun can push out himself, feeling extremely nauseous a second later. His brain and heart are obviously not on the same page._

_Changkyun hears Hyungwon heave a sigh. He cannot read whether he is sad or hurt or angry. He cannot stop but want to know. He leaps on his knees and settles down next to Minhyuk's bed like a puppy, hands on his thighs, waiting patiently for an answer. Hyungwon’s face covered with his left forearm. Not that Changkyun would actually be able to see Hyungwon’s reaction but he needs a sign. He needs a sign. Changkyun wasn’t sure what kind of sign though._

_-“What are you doing?” Hyungwon whispered in his so habitual sleepy but tired voice._

_-“I don’t know. I just want to know how you feel.” Changkyun plopped on his ass. The previous position looked like he was either praying or…Changkyun’s cheeks flushed. He actually imagined it. He didn’t hate the idea, however, it is not something he wanted to think about at the moment._

_Hyungwon snorted. “To be honest, I don’t know how I feel Changkyun. I will be honest, I feel miserable.” Changkyun could somehow feel Hyungwon biting his lip hard._

_A second later he sees his tall friend sit up, face in hands. He then silently stands up and leaves. He didn’t say anything else, neither didn't Changkyun. Somehow he could feel his heart bleed. The idea of "why" never occurred to him. He blamed it on Hyungwon’s broken heart._

_He was wrong. The last time Changkyun thought Hyungwon was avoiding him was a false alarm. Because now he felt what it really is to be avoided by the person with who he has always felt a special bond. Hyungwon is not behaving like a piece of shit. However, it’s something he cannot deny considering himself. He doesn’t utterly avoid him. He says his hellos, he sits to munch on the breakfasts next to Changkyun, he sits in the van next to him and he answers all the damn questions about him in all the interviews as if he is his personal stalker. But Changkyun knows. He knows that he stopped looking Changkyun in the eye, he knows that the distance between them is bigger, he knows that Hyungwon almost grimaces whenever Changkyun picks Hyungwon over other members. Changkyun is being unfair, isn’t he?_

_Changkyun has been watching Hyungwon practice. Jooheon came to sit next to him. Sweaty guys are really not his thing. He drags his eyes back to Hyungwon. Hyungwon does look impressive when he is concentrated. Changkyun rated it as the top 3 of his looks._

_Jooheon physically makes his jaw close. “Stop drooling,” Jooheon laughed._

_Changkyun turns to look at Jooheon, in disbelief. “Who the hell is drooling?” He brings his hand to his mouth, being his exaggerated self._

_-“Hyungwon, who else.” Jooheon habitually inhaled a specific amount of air that makes his face always look the same yet interesting way while he jerks his chin in Hyungwon’s direction. “Do you think we are blind, Changkyun?”_

_-“What do you mean?” He blinks in suspicion._

_-There is something going on between you too. You better figure it out before Kihyun pipes up. It will be messy if he will try to figure out why you are fighting. Fix it before it is too late._

_-“To fix?” Changkyun trails his eyes back to Hyungwon. “We aren’t fighting.”_

_-“It’s okay, Changkyun. It’s fine if you do not like him in a romantic way.” Changkyun gasps at it but Jooheon continues “It’s okay, but please let him go. Give him time to cool off. He will find the strength to both hush his heart and move on.”_

_“Move on,” Changkyun could do nothing but immediately copy Jooheon._

_-“What are you implying?” Changkyun snaps an attentive and serious look at Jooheon._

_-“You've been staring at him for a while now. Like a lot. Give him some room.” He smiles showing his dimples and scoots over to where Shownu and Wonho are._

_He looks at Hyungwon again. Beads of sweat rolling down his face, cheeks flushed, legs long and gracious. What else does he have to give in? Is it even worth it?_

_-“Hyungwon,” Changkyun whispered behind the blond guy._

_Changkyun could see his posture stiffen for a brief moment but he can also see him trying to look effortlessly composed a moment he turns around._

_-“What’s up?” Changkyun hears these two simple words and somehow he cannot remember when was the last time he talked to Hyungwon properly. What is going on? He cannot understand._

_-“Umm, we need to talk.” Changkyun blurts out. He is an idiot. He had to actually think of something to say before stopping Hyungwon in the middle of a staircase._

_-Do we, Changkyun?_

_-Yeah._

_-About?_

_-Us._

_Changkyun glances up from his snickers he has been staring at this whole time. He watches a pair of eyes he likes so much go both stern, cold and hopeful at the same time. He furiously bites on his lip. Why is it Hyungwon that he always finds sexy?_

_-“Be more specific,” Hyungwon finally breathes out while tracing his eyebrows. He doesn’t look at Changkyun anymore, he wishes he did._

_-“I want us back. I miss you.” Changkyun looks up the ceiling. He has no idea why he has an urge to cry. He never thought Hyungwon could make a hole inside his heart while being physically present in his life._

_Hyungwon breathes in a couple of greedy yet broken scoops of air._

_-Why?_

_-“I just miss you. I need you, Hyungwon.” He locks eyes with Hyungwon. Something like electroshock goes through his veins._

_Hyungwon bores in his eyes until he looks away snorting. As if finding an answer without Changkyun even knowing himself._

_-“You aren’t here because of me. You need me because you’re bored.” Hyungwon snorts again, obviously agitated._

_-“W-what?” Changkyun finds himself dumbfoundedly asking._

_-“Changkyun, you are not very fair. Do you know that?” Hyungwon zooms on Changkyun. “I confessed you my feelings,” he bites his lip in frustration as he pushes Changkyung against the wall and bangs an arm against the wall a little higher to Changkyun's left ear “And not even two weeks later you come to me saying you miss me? Changkyun, I love you. I cannot be your friend at the moment. Can you be any crueler?”_

_-“It’s fine,” Changkyun blurts out and immediately regrets it while his eyes run chaotically and land on anything but Hyungwon’s face._

_-“What did you say?” Changkyun could hear Hyungwon utter, most probably in disbelief._

_-Ummm_

_-Look at me._

_Changkyun obeys. He looks up only to see an expression he has never experienced yet. The next thing he knows Hyungwon pinned him down, his right leg resting between his legs and both of his arms up the wall. None of the actions were forceful. Changkyun could probably set himself free if he wanted but curiosity took the best of him. He has been thinking for a while what it would feel like to kiss Hyungwon. He got scared at his own thoughts when he didn’t even see how Hyungwon leaned and kissed him. He started with a gentle kiss, only to pry Changkyun’s mouth open and swing his tongue in. He tasted like nothing in particular but he was a good kisser and it was already too good to be true. He wasn’t sure how long Changkyun has been pinned by the wall, sucking the life of the guy next to him when he abruptly pushed Hyungwon back with his full force, biting his lip until Hyungwon licked off the iron-tasting red liquid off his lower lip in the process. Hyungwon flinched with pain as he staggered a couple of steps away, holding his chest. He immediately looked Changkyun in the eye – expression wild._

_Changkyun could see Hyungwon close his eyes for a mere second but it felt the like an hour and when he did open his eyes again his gaze was detached._

_-“I am sorry, Changkyun. I cannot do this. I cannot do this while you have your eyes trained on me as if they want to kill me. Please, have some mercy.” He half mumbled and started to go down the stairs only to get to one story lower and swing the door open. It clicked with a bang a second later._

_Changkyun was standing there for a while. Thinking how his face must have looked, from time to time switching his attention down to his pants – he was hard._

_He never wanted to admit he likes Hyungwon. Now it is too late. He passed all the red lights, he is in love with him and at the admittance of it his heart starts pondering but his eyes tear up. He felt beyond horrible. He knew Hyungwon would not care for what he has to say anymore._

_Changkyun never thought he is manic. On the other hand, some of the actions he does make him rethink his mental health. If Jooheon said he was watching Hyungwon before, he is afraid to imagine what he would have to say now. Minding the fact, that he stopped talking to Hyungwon completely, only to trail him like a psycho everywhere he could. He wondered if Hyungwon is blind or just didn’t want to do anything with him since he kept quiet. However, it doesn’t last long._

_The next time all seven of them drink, Changkyun drinks too much. He wanted to indulge in his misery and cry his heart out later in the night but he overestimated himself. The next thing he knows he watches Hyungwon wash his hands in the bathroom, Changkyun's half leaded eyes watching him with both familiar yet unfamiliar feeling – lust. He wants to laugh, he never had this urge to kiss Hyungwon senseless before. Alcohol seemed to be an easy answer._

_Hyungwon successfully ignored Changkyun’s amazing in its own sense thought as he was about to leave. Changkyun froze in the doorway but still made some room for Hyungwon to pass by. Maybe he didn’t drink enough to actually make his idea come true, he thought. But Hyungwon changed his mind. He always does. He wants to laugh how manipulative Hyungwon can be of Changkyun's own will and mind without him even knowing. He hopes he never finds out._

_-“Are you okay?” Hyungwon looks a bit tipsily at Changkyun, brushing his hair off his forehead ever so gently._

_-“You,” Changkyun mumbles and leans to kiss Hyungwon sloppily. Hyungwon is responsive only for 5, maybe 10 seconds, Changkyun guesses._

_-“You really are cruel,” Hyungwon looks at Changkyun with his right eye squinted, misery is written all over his face._

_And then he is gone. He banged the door shut, it almost made Changkyun lose his balance but he realized if he doesn’t come after him and confess his feelings right now he will really lose his chance. The last one._

_-“Hyungwon,” Changkyun says loud while entering the living room. All five pairs of eyes are trained on Changkyun’s flushed face. But then a second later he hears rummaging near the entrance door._

_-“Chae Hyungwon!” He now yells, only to hear the entrance door open and being shut a second later._

_-“Shit,” is all Changkyun could whisper before he dashes to get his jacket and shoes on, hurrying outside._

_December is cold. He immediately sobers up and he feels cold gushes of air against his warm face. He sees Hyungwon walking both briskly and slow at the same time. Changkyun is glued to his spot for a second, he watched the other guy speed on his tracks and another second slow down and stop. This trait of Hyungwon’s behavior always made Changkyun laugh. He speeds his steps until he almost caught up with Hyungwon._

_-“Hyungwon,” he breathes out._

_Hyungwon doesn’t stiffen this time. He just keeps on walking at his usual speed. “Leave me alone, Changkyun-ah.”_

_-No._

_-Sometimes you are draining, Changkyun-ah._

_There is a note of melancholy in Hyungwon’s words. He fights his tears. He is yet to realize the full seriousness of his actions he has ever attempted on Hyungwon._

_-Hyungwon, please._

_-“There is no point, Changkyun-ah. I will never be enough, let’s leave it at this. It is fine, don’t feel bad. It was my fault I thought there was something more between us.” He sighed in withdrawal._

_-You don’t understand. I think I like you.” Changkyun stuttered out._

_Hyungwon’s reaction is heartbreaking._

_-"Yeah, me too but I am not falling for it again. I will not satisfy your social needs, okay?” He turned around glaring at Changkyun._

_Changkyun could do anything but gulp._

_-“You don’t understand. Last time I didn’t want to push you away. It is because…it is because…it is because I got hard.” Changkyun could barely utter._

_-“W-what?” Hyungwon got an idea what Changkyun was saying but he actually didn’t believe his ears and was thinking to go see a doctor. The sooner the better._

_Both of them were standing motionless for a while. Hyungwon waited for Changkyun to continue._

_Changkyun was staring at his shoes. He closed his eyes multiple times but it didn’t help him to concentrate, he scratched his scalp and muffled his hair but it didn’t get any effect as well._

_Not until Hyungwon came dangerously close and took his hand and whispered “Stop hurting yourself” could he finally say hardly audible “I love you” that was always so burdensome to him, yet felt so light and right at that moment. He could feel his hand be released and another second Hyungwon squished it with a new force, Changkyun would look at Hyungwon but he was too ashamed. His tears filling his eyes and gashing out as if he never cried in his life before. He does cry out of occasional tiredness but this sensation was for sure new. Hyungwon held him close to his chest, whispering calming phrases, confessing his love in between. His voice was trembling. Changkyun cried even harder._

_-"Did you calm down?” Hyungwon was looking at a puffy face of Changkyun._

_-“Yeah,” he sniffed “I am sorry.”_

_-"Can you say it once again?” Hyungwon was biting his lip vigorously, eyes trained on Changkyun._

_It took him seconds to realise what Hyungwon meant._

_-“N-n-no! Are you crazy?” Changkyun blabbered embarrassed as he turned on his heel and started to briskly walk towards home, Hyungwon in his hand. The trip wasn’t long, not even 7 steps away Hyungwon’s body is leaning on him from behind, hands wrapped on his chest._

_-Changkyun, please._

_-“Noo,” he breathes out with a new wave of embarrassment._

_-“I will clean instead of you for a month,” Hyungwon whispers into his ear._

_-“Oh?” Changkyun feels ticklish but the deal is intriguing._

_-And cooking?_

_-Yes._

_-And you will do all the shopping?_

-“Changkyun-ah, please.” Changkyun could feel Hyungwon’s hands shaking, his face buried somewhere in the back of his hood.

_Hyungwon was desperate to hear three vital words he has been feeling for Changkyun who did nothing but reject him for a long and burdensome time._

_-“I really am a jerk, aren’t I?” Changkyun disentangled Hyungwon’s hands only to turn around and cup Hyungwon’s both desperate and dazed face._

_-“I am sorry, I love you, Hyungwon. I am sorry it took me so long to realize it.” Changkyun whispered while looking inside Hyungwon’s dark endless eyes. He can be drawn in them and he will be thankful._

_He can see Hyungwon inhale, only to exhale a sigh of relief, a whooping sensation of electroshock hitting Changkyun himself._

_-“Thank you. I love you so much.” Hyungwon said before kissing Changkyun. It was a long kiss. Changkyun wished it lasted longer._

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry for ignoring my other two works but yesterday I wanted to read a cute short story of Hyungkyun and couldn't find anything so after not too much thinking I was writing my own till 3AM.
> 
> I have no idea why but those one-shots are so easy to write, especially if it's Changkyun and Hyungwon...
> 
> I am nasty, aren't I?
> 
> Hope you liked it~ 
> 
> P.S. I listened to Kiss From A Rose by Seal while briefly editing it, so I picked one of the lines as a title. It's a great song.


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